I’m reblogging Laina’s latest blog post. Thanks Laina 🙂

the silent wave

Common on the Asperger’s/autism spectrum is the occurrence of Alexithymia, or the difficulty with identifying and expressing emotions. During the first steps of my journey of self-discovery through my freshly-realized autistic lens, I had no idea that I was among the Alexithymic.

In the earliest stages of learning, you don’t know what you don’t know.

And I didn’t know. I didn’t even think to question whether or not I was having trouble identifying and expressing my thoughts and emotions, because I assumed (there’s that word again) that I was successfully identifying everything that was there. I knew if I was happy, sad, scared, angry, wistful, grieving, remorseful, euphoric, excited, and so on.

I really thought I had a bead on things.


The second steps of learning often involve discovering aspects of oneself that one was not previously aware of.

The realization, for me, was gradual. I slowly became aware…

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Early years

This evening, following dinner, I’ve been sitting watching tv but unusually I wasn’t working on anything. If my hands are idle they have to do something so they scratch and pick at my skin. Another thing I do is to fold my arms with my hands tucked under. Sounds normal enough but what I do is to press my arms tight down on my hands and I’ll maintain that pressure. It’s the same when I’m traveling as a passenger in the car; my hands sit just above and between my knees and I’ll apply constant pressure for miles. As far as I know I’ve always done this. It got me thinking about my early years.

Mum told me that I had a very worrying habit when I was a toddler. I would sit under the table and repeatedly and consistently bash the back of my head against the wall. It worried her so much that she took me to the Dr who in turn sent me for x-rays. Nothing untoward was found.

Another time I disappeared and Mum found me under the caravan eating the tea leaves she always chucked under there…maggots and all. It frightened her so much she washed my mouth out with some kind of disinfectant solution.

My poor mum!

My earliest memory is from when I was two years old. We were staying at my grandparents. I was in the bath having my hair washed and I was screaming my head off. My grandmother came in to offer me a coin, one off those old large pennies, if only I would be a good girl and be quiet. It had no effect. I carried on screaming. My grandfather was a baker and they lived over the shop. My grandmother was probably concerned because my screams could be heard downstairs. You can just imagine them trying to reassure customers that I wasn’t being murdered!

Mum says over the years she tried every possible different way she could think of when it was hair washing time. Nothing worked, I always screamed the house down. I can remember when I was five lying on my back along the kitchen counter top with my head tilted back in the sink, holding a face cloth over my eyes. I was crying.

I don’t remember why I hated it so much. I was never able to explain to mum so she cannot enlighten me. I still can’t explain myself. Something’s been wrong today but I can’t explain it. Maybe next week. Next year.

I think I was about six or seven when I stopped crying when having my hair washed. I still didn’t like it though.

I presume these were autistic traits rather than me just being a temperamental child.

Shall I post, shan’t I post…

I’m not sure if it’s due to an inflated ego or whatever but I am going to tell you… or tell me for when I look back on this sometime in the future…

Today I reached the milestone of 100 followers!! The achievement seems even greater to me because I didn’t know one single follower beforehand. My family and friends know I blog but apart from the occasional post they do not read my blog.

I started this blog early last month at the suggestion of Lovely Husband as a way of getting my thoughts and ideas expressed. I never expected more than twenty followers by this time today!

So thank you lovely followers, you have really made me happy and rather excited 😁 But more than that, you have offered me friendship and community, most especially among autistic bloggers. God bless you all xxx

Addressing sensory issues: Am I sharing a problem or demanding others to change?

This is so close to my own experience that I want to share it 🙂

The Sensitive Giraffe


In the previous post I shared how the sensory modulation side of my experience with Sensory Processing Disorder is still a problem. I explained a little bit of how previous efforts to address these problems were met with unhelpful advice, especially since I didn’t have a means of explaining why things bothered me.

Now as an adult, I do have more awareness of why a seemingly random noise can have such a strong impact on me. So why isn’t it easy to tell people?

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Hi, it’s me again already!

In my previous blog over on Blogger where I wasn’t really being me (it was more like an enforced happy mask) I would get very anxious trying to leave a comment after every post I read. Sometimes it could take up to half an hour to write one or two sentences. In the end I became so disheartened it was easier to give up blogging altogether.

When back in August I returned to my blog, I decided to start afresh over here on WordPress. I made a rule for myself: if i cannot think of something to say immediately after reading a post, I don’t say anything. Sometimes I really want to let the person know I care so I leave a heart if words fail me. Other times I might leave a smiley face or a couple of xx  If I’ve enjoyed and/or been moved by a piece of writing I always click on ‘like’ (even though the word itself often falls short!).

I think this difficulty, where words fail me, is linked to my autism. Maybe it has something to do with executive functioning….?

Please, if you follow me, never agonize over leaving a comment.

Following blogs

In currently following 336 sites! I sure that number will increase. I just can’t help myself, there are so many interesting people out there. I am interested to know how many blogs my followers follow and what they think is a healthy number before it all gets too much. By too much I think I mean when you feel overwhelmed. I guess that is individual preference. Forgive me, this is more a stream of consciousness than a well thought out post. Actually, that seems to be how I write most posts.

Susie’s blog party is a great idea. It’s been done before but it’s the first time I’ve heard of or experienced one. I do regular searches through WordPress reader but the party feels quite different as it feels like socialising without the all the usual sensory upheaval. It’s certainly keeping me entertained  😃

Returning to the following of blogs… There have been a few that I’ve unfollowed for one reason or another. As an autistic person I find some blogs very uncomfortable to look at, and some that that lower my mood too far. I have to protect myself. Yesterday I read a wonderful post and wanted to share with you. I hesitated over it but unsure why. When I revisited I realised there were flickering images. The first time I was too involved in the content to worry about it but once I noticed I realised I didn’t want to inflict that on to my followers or myself.

Thank you and welcome to my eight new followers that have popped over from the party. I hope you enjoy your visits here 🙂

I’d like to thank all my followers for the sense of community I feel. Good bless you all xx




Blog Party Time: Build Your Readership!

This is my kind of party, maybe it’s yours too 🙂 !? Thanks Susie 🙂

Susie Lindau's Wild Ride

Blog Party Build Readership

It’s a Drop and Hop Blog Party!

It’s time for another Blog Party where you Drop a link and Hop to other blog sites. September is all about the change of seasons and the expectation of holidays. There’s a lot to write about so why not build your readership?

I love bringing my friends together so they can meet each other!

Here’s how it works:

CHOOSE ONE link to your blog and paste it in the comments. Include a hook where you tell everyone what you blog about. Then click on a few links and meet a few bloggers! Or meet all of them. It’s up to you. The more you click, the more friends you make!

Leave a comment on your new friend’s blog and tell them, “Susie sent me,” and they might click back to your place.

This is a social party so be sure to mingle in the…

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My Asperger’s / autism and (my need for) self-defense [Mental Health Monday]

I’m reblogging this from The Silent Wave. Thanks once again Laina for an excellently written post xx

the silent wave

Still peeling the onion. Asperger’s/autism discovery as an adult, for me, has been a never-ending–yet unpredictable–cycle of unpacking and reframing.

Unpack, reframe, unpack, reframe.

I unpack each trait as it hits home, leaving its fingerprint on my core, and then I peer through the retro-kaleidoscope that is my lens and apply the theoretical aspect of said trait to my life. Unpacking (for me) is the discovery of traits and tendencies; reframing is the application of them to their manifestation in real life.

It’s a process. 🙂 The important part is to be patient and allow it to germinate and grow and bloom and unfold and spread wings–and give you yours with which to fly.

Invariably, defense is never far away. After all, how else could I deal with the various expectations and accusations and labels lobbed at me over the years, for which I had previously had no self-expressive words?…

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Handspun goodies


I promised pictures of my latest handspun yarn in my previous post and here they are below this text. I’ve just added  the total number of metres of plied yarn completed in the last eleven days… 2032.60 ! That’s 4064+ metres of singles…. over 2.5 miles. Wowsers!






Nothing much to say…

Hello lovely followers and visitors,

I feel it’s been a while since I last posted and I thought it is better to post something as it would be so easy to let time just slip by, creating a situation where it becomes increasingly more difficult to write anything.

So here I am with nothing much  to say but wanting to connect with you all the same 🙂

I’m constantly spinning fibre to almost the exclusion of all other activity. My loom is feeling neglected, poor thing. I’m am very pleased with the yarn I am producing. I’ll provide images in another post. Promise.

I’ve started a new medication and it’s taking time to get used to it and to feel the benefits of it. I’ve also started to use Rescue Remedy and aconite and I am finding them helpful in reducing my autism associated anxiety. My G.P. recommended I try them.

It’s a lovely sunny day here in West Somerset. I think I’ll publish this and go for a walk around my garden before I allow myself to spin again. I’ll see you again soon.

Much love, Tracey xx