Close to tears

Yes that was me at lunch time today with Lovely Husband. It was about financial stuff so I’m not going into details. Don’t worry, we are ok.  The finance stuff is about what happens if LH dies first. This is so hard for me to write as it’s a fear that crops up everyday in my mind. And, you know, people, especially Brits, don’t like talking about money.

It’s all come down to what I think must be dyscalculia – something a bit like dyslexia but with numbers instead. I’m not diagnosed but as I’ve always struggled with math and talking about figures creates great anxiety as numbers fly around and don’t settle anywhere, it probably is dyscalculia. It does help if it’s visually represented, but only a little.

I read lots of blogs written by Actually Autistics but money isn’t or doesn’t seem to be discussed. I’m not a materialistic person. As long as I have a bit to spend on creativity and in the giving to others via what I create I’m contented. So this is not about being rich or poor.

As you can probably guess LH deals with everything financial and it’s mostly computer based – another terrifying prospect… things are great as long as it’s all working smoothly. Not all Aspie’s/Autie’s are computer geniuses.

So if LH dies first the only money immediately accessible will be that in a physical ‘go to the bank’ bank account. The rest, pensions and stuff is invisible to me. The computer, the temperamental computer, and people the other side of that cloud is like a terrifying forcefield that I can’t ever penetrate. And that’s aside from the grief – ‘that’ which cannot be thought about.

Do you know, I think it’s the thing at the top of the pile that makes me feel both extremely vulnerable and disabled. LH is trying to simplify things but that takes so much time and what if the most horrendous thing was to happen tomorrow. I shall have to depend on family to sort it out for me. The thought of that makes me feel so inadequate and embarrassed.

So maybe that’s enough for the moment. Maybe voicing this much might help. Maybe other autistics reading this struggle too? It would be of some help to know I am not alone.

 

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Author: yarnandpencil

I'm a Christian on the autistic spectrum blogging about life and my art/craft practice.

36 thoughts on “Close to tears”

  1. Don’t feel inadequate! My mother never could get the handling money thing. She had her credit cards and some cash but the bills and “hidden” money were my father’s thing. When he was unable to handle things any more she asked me to step in. I did all the money stuff, going over what she wanted or needed to know. You don’t have to handle things alone. Someone will be willing to help with whatever you need. Maybe now your husband can help you become familiar with some of it. It’s easy to fear/worry about what we don’t know/understand.

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  2. I have lots of fears around DH dying first – and since he is 24 years older than me, this is a real possibility. My first fear is in having to use the phone. Would I have to call his family? Would I have to call to deal with funeral arrangements? Would I have to set all that up? I couldn’t even use the phone the other day to book the bus to get home in a couple of days because DH was home, and someone was coming to visit. If that was too overwhelming for me, how could I possibly deal with all these immediate things involving DH’s passing? Then comes fears over the financial. Not exactly immediate, as he always makes sure we have plenty in our savings account, but… I have NEVER been able to earn enough to support myself. We have life insurance for a few more years, but he is not planning on renewing once he turns 71 (when our current plan ends.) Since the cost of living is so high now, even if I had to sell the house, I wouldn’t have enough to live on for long. I am on disability right now, but it is a federal pension, and not very much.

    Talking to people when my functioning would be so bad even just due to the shock of it all would be bad enough, but then I would have to learn to live without him. I don’t even know how I would keep getting to church since I hate driving, and there are no buses that come near my area, and none in the city that run on Sundays, and…. it is all very terrifying.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, there’s all that too. Thanks so much for sharing that and commenting. I shall post this now but I may come back again to comment. My heads a bit ‘cloudy’ at the moment xxxxx

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  3. Ugh I always feel very tense, stressed and uneducated when discussing money. I avoid doing it which is probably not the best thing. I’m sure your family would not think less of you and would help you in any way they can. Maybe learning how to access one small piece at a time would help???

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  4. I understand your fear completely – and that’s without being Autistic! I can’t imagine all the extra fear and anxiety you must feel over this…but please remember you are never inadequate!

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  5. Same here, only that I don’t have a LH who sorts stuff out for me. When it comes to financial stuff I always feel like balancing on a rope high above to mountains. I have a friend who is looking after the stuff but if this friend would die, I don’t know what then … so, yes, I understand your fears and worries.

    Only an idea: maybe it would help you, if you and your LH could find a person whom you both trust, who understands your situation and who is willing to be instructed by your husband what to do in the case the worst might happen. So to say, someone else who takes over in the case of an emergency? That would take the pressure and worry a bit away from you. Not sure if you know such a person and if it’s a good idea at all.

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  6. I ended up divorced 13 years ago. Finances, taking out the trash, fixing things-not my thing. I know how scary it all is. You just take it one step at a time. If you have questions, doubts-step back and get advice. I know you can do it. I also hope LH is with you for a good long time to come.

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    1. Thank you. I have done it in the past after a divorce but I kept it very simple and I got by but that was in the days before the internet. Nowadays I have completely lost track of all the many accounts and policies.

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  7. Our energy bills and house insurance are on my husbands computer, so it would be a pain to deal with but not impossible. You are doing absolutely the right thing in discussing and planning now. Do you have an accountant who could help, I have one to do my tax return . Someone mentioned funeral things, you can do a funeral plan through a building society. Citizens Advice bureau can help with all sorts of practical things. When my Dad died I found huge help from a leaflet telling me what to from Age UK. The vicar and funeral director were marvellous. Just don’t panic now but put a plan in place.

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  8. I am terrified of numbers. I’m not sure if it is dyscalculia but I’ve always attributed it as a reaction to my dad’s overly anxious expectations that I must do well in my academic, ESPECIALLY Maths. He will push me very hard and I remembered have to endure sitting still by the desk, spending hours doing math problems at home, when he lose his patience, he will hit me if I got it wrong. As you can probably guess, it made me very anxious and it still makes me anxious when I think about that childhood period. It is a shame because it has kind of deter me from thinking about my future in terms of financial planning, which is made even more challenging with the executive functioning issues, I mean how do I even go about plan my future, where do I start etc.? It does worry me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I so sorry to hear that and I can see that numbers would make you very anxious. As for planning, I’ve never been able to plan financial things, I wouldn’t know where to start so I can understand that you can’t do that either.
      When I woke up I realized I should have mentioned about executive functioning being an added issue with my future financial issues in my post yesterday. It’s like a road block in a mountain pass when you don’t speak the language and you are without passport or papers.

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      1. I love your description! And very apt too because I’m not very good with directions. 😂
        Quite often too, I would wake up and realize that I forgot to mention a point I wanted to make in a post so sometimes I will edit and add a postscript.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Lol! Thank you 🙂 Adding a postscript is a good idea. I’ve done it on other posts. I’ll see what thoughts I have when I wake up tomorrow…too tired to think now 🙂
          I’m good at giving directions if I’ve rehearsed it but hopeless at taking directions.

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  9. While not being on the autistic spectrum, I also find figures a chore and am a visual person. I have done basic accounting and bookkeeping classes for employment purposes, but this is my least favourite pastime and I’d much rather be doing something creative. And lets face it, creative accounting is not exactly legal. We employ an accountant for the important stuff, especially for dealing with the tax department and other tricky situations. A great accountant and a supportive solicitor are invaluable to help cope with life’s difficult moments and to relieve a lot of the stress.

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    1. Thank you. Trouble is I’d have to give them the information for them to deal with it all and I don’t know what the information is. The word clueless comes to mind! LH and I are going to have to come up with a plan.

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      1. A good accountant should explain and itemise what they need from you. If they don’t do this go to someone else who does. You need to have a good relationship with anyone who looks after your finances. It also helps if you get a recommendation for an accountant from someone whose opinion you trust, especially if they like to keep an eye on their finances and don’t just blindly take advice. Hope that this helps.

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  10. You’re far from alone in this so please don’t feel inadequate. Many, many people have to rely on family in this situation to help out (my husband works for his dad who’s a financial advisor and they come across it often). I agree with Liisa, having someone you can talk to about it now who could step in and help at the time (which hopefully will not be for a very long time!) might really take some of the pressure off. Sending love and hugs xxx

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  11. You are far from alone, there are many of us neurotypicals who have the same issues, for different reasons. Despite my identifying with your issues with numbers (I never have been able to balance a checking account- even after I worked in a bank- you can imagine how THAT went. ). However in 49 years of marriage I have always been the one that manages the money and all financial dealings. Given that one of us is over 70 and the other is getting nearer, we have started to have discussions about this- causes the anxiety related to PTSD to really fire up- yet we need to have these discussions. Maybe he will go before me, but what if he does not. Then there are all the things he does that I am not up-to-snuff on. By the way, he says he is a dinosaur and does not want to deal with a computer and of course, I use the computer to pay bills and manage money.

    My heart is with you. I cannot imagine how it feel to be you, but I know the anxiety and even grief that happens in our relationship over such issues. I value your experience and look forward to your posts.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging comments. Yes, even the thought of needing to talk about it causes a lot of anxiety and finds me with my head back in the sand! You are very kind xxxxx

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