Close to tears

Yes that was me at lunch time today with Lovely Husband. It was about financial stuff so I’m not going into details. Don’t worry, we are ok.  The finance stuff is about what happens if LH dies first. This is so hard for me to write as it’s a fear that crops up everyday in my mind. And, you know, people, especially Brits, don’t like talking about money.

It’s all come down to what I think must be dyscalculia – something a bit like dyslexia but with numbers instead. I’m not diagnosed but as I’ve always struggled with math and talking about figures creates great anxiety as numbers fly around and don’t settle anywhere, it probably is dyscalculia. It does help if it’s visually represented, but only a little.

I read lots of blogs written by Actually Autistics but money isn’t or doesn’t seem to be discussed. I’m not a materialistic person. As long as I have a bit to spend on creativity and in the giving to others via what I create I’m contented. So this is not about being rich or poor.

As you can probably guess LH deals with everything financial and it’s mostly computer based – another terrifying prospect… things are great as long as it’s all working smoothly. Not all Aspie’s/Autie’s are computer geniuses.

So if LH dies first the only money immediately accessible will be that in a physical ‘go to the bank’ bank account. The rest, pensions and stuff is invisible to me. The computer, the temperamental computer, and people the other side of that cloud is like a terrifying forcefield that I can’t ever penetrate. And that’s aside from the grief – ‘that’ which cannot be thought about.

Do you know, I think it’s the thing at the top of the pile that makes me feel both extremely vulnerable and disabled. LH is trying to simplify things but that takes so much time and what if the most horrendous thing was to happen tomorrow. I shall have to depend on family to sort it out for me. The thought of that makes me feel so inadequate and embarrassed.

So maybe that’s enough for the moment. Maybe voicing this much might help. Maybe other autistics reading this struggle too? It would be of some help to know I am not alone.

 

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