Expectation… I was in my forties and an undergrad when I started to realise my lifetime experience had been to please others first. It took another ten years and my diagnosis to really understand how deep and wounding this is.
I’m smiling as I recollect my then three year old granddaughter singing ‘Let it go’. No relation between these two things…just my mind jumping. Nice to finish with a positive thought.
Thanks again Laina xx
Another topic that in hindsight didn’t get its due coverage (during the early days of my Asperger’s/autism spectrum discovery) is that of letting go. During the first few… (weeks? Months?) after my revelation, my inner scaffolding would get tossed about, as though at the mercy of a restless sea (which is probably closer to reality than I might like to admit). One minute feeling liberation, the next minute seething with long-term resentment and hostility.
I wasn’t even on shaky ground; everything was a torrent.
Let me back up a minute…
All my life, as I progressed through ages and stages, people around me adopted certain sets of expectations. Who I’d be. How I’d conduct myself. Who and what I would become. How I was “supposed to” live. And so on.
I used to pummel myself, for not living “up to” those expectations.
My vernacular has changed; I live “up”…
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